A Tale of Understanding

A mechanic was driving outside a small village when he came up on a man parked on the side of the road, looking into a field. From his clothing, the mechanic knew that he wasn't from the village, and he pulled over to see if he could help. He got out of his car and by the time he got to the man, he knew what was wrong. He must have a broken fan belt! Why else would someone be parked there? Excitedly, he told the man how to change the fan belt; what nuts to loosen, how to stretch the new belt when he put it on, and how to remove the old belt, but the man just smiled and said nothing.

A farmer was walking up the road, and he asked what the problem was. The mechanic told the farmer that his car was broken, that the fan belt was broken, and that the man was refusing to change it. The farmer looked at the man and thought, it's not his fan belt, he's wishing he had a horse, and excitedly he began to tell the man about his horse for sale, how high it stood, how it rode through the tall grass, how it liked to eat carrots with its lips, and how it could pull a cart. The man smiled and said nothing.

A realtor saw the men standing there, and thought Fantastic! Someone wants to buy the property I have listed! So he came up to the man and began talking louder than the mechanic and the farmer, describing the property, how many bedrooms were on the main floor, how the deer grazed in the front yard, and how quiet the neighbors were in the evenings. The man just smiled and said nothing.

A doctor saw the people gathering and thought, someone must be hurt. So he ran over and saw everyone gathered talking about the man, and said Stand back! This man needs medicine! He has a headache, and that is why he is parked here! And he ripped out his doctor's kit and gave him a bottle of pills. The man smiled and said nothing.

A sage was walking down the road when he saw a crowd gathering around a man, parked just past a bridge. From where he stood, he could see that underneath the bridge, two boys were running back to the car, holding a big fish. The two boys came back to the car and showed the man the fish, babbling excitedly in a foreign language. The man exclaimed something back, smiled and put the fish and the boy's fishing rods in the trunk, and drove off with the two boys, leaving the townspeople standing there.

The moral of the story is that until you understand the situation, you cannot help, and by trying to help without knowing, you look like a fool. Perhaps you know someone out of work in the Great Depression of 2009. Before offering wisdom on how to fix their situation, ask them how they are doing. An age old adage, Seek first to understand, then to be understood, applies here. It is wonderful to point out that bills need to be paid, and that the person has a mortgage swinging around their neck like an albatross, but the chances are that the person already knows that. It is wonderful to suggest that someone you know is working at two dead-end jobs to make ends meet, and that the person should go out and do that, but the person may have already been applying to dozens of jobs and had no calls back. It is wonderful to tell someone to work as a janitor or at the coffee shop for twelve hours per week instead of following their own well-thought out plan for getting back on track, but before you do that, ask how things are going, and listen to the answer. If you want to help someone, asking "How can I be of service?" goes much further than mindlessly bleating like a frightened goat.